A while back I wrote "My Twitter Manifesto (with Jokes)." I had to append that with "A Difficult Decision Regarding Twitter," which explains why I don't personally thank you for retweeting me. It's not because I'm a narcissistic jerk, either. I am, but that has nothing to do with it. Well today, I release the third installment in my never-ending quest to figure out how to most effectively use Twitter without going mad in the process.
First of all, I have to admit that the title is a bit of lie. (No, not that part. The jokes are lame). But if you're reading my blog, chances are I will follow you on Twitter. But when one gets a certain number of followers, a lot of the leeches come out to play. So for them (and for your amusement) here are the reasons why I won't follow you (but probably not you) on Twitter.
1.You do not have a profile photo. I realize that not everyone wants to reveal their mugs to the anonymous world, but put something in there, a picture, a cartoon, something. I don't follow eggs.
2. You have no information in your bio. You need not tell me where you live, where you work, what your children's names are or what debilitating diseases you're suffering from, but give me something that indicates you're a person I want to connect with. Something like—oh, I don't know—"I like books." Or "I am a sci-fi nerd."
3. You lead off your bio with a sentence containing any of the following words: marketer, marketing, entrepreneur, consultant, optimization, mentor, coach, e-commerce or followers. I reserve the right to add words to this list.
4. You call yourself a "guru."
5. You are the Twitter account of a business completely unrelated to what I do or in a location that is not easily accessible to me (sorry, dry goods store in Topeka, Kansas).
6. Any other damn reason I want. Seriously, though, I'll probably end up following back most of those who follow me. If you're into writing, books, sci-fi or speculative fiction in general or anything else in the realm of nerd-dom, I'll probably want to connect with you. If I have not followed you back, send me a Tweet and I'll rectify the situation. I would also suggest that if you think I'm an interesting person to follow, check out the people I follow myself. I don't go through and just follow random people, I try to find those who I would genuinely be interested in talking with. I think it's only fair that if I will not follow back those who have nothing to do with my interests, I shouldn't follow someone who mentions, oh, nothing but chainsaw sculpture in their bio just to increase the number of my Followers. Actually, chainsaw sculpture is kind of cool. I probably would follow that person. But I think my point is clear. I hope that together we can make our Twitter community a community of value. I'd also like to make a quick plug for the #BuyIndie hashtag. It's the brainchild of Benjamin X. Wretlind; search for it if you like to support other indie writers.
Michael K. Rose