Monday, April 23, 2012

My Twitter Manifesto (with Jokes)

or A Public Declaration of Intent Regarding My Use of the Social Networking Site Twitter.

Article I. On Following

To paraphrase Mr. Alfred Doolittle in Pygmalion/My Fair Lady: I'm willing to follow you, I'm wanting to follow you, I'm waiting to follow you. That is, assuming the following criteria are met:

1. You have followed me and continue to follow me. To be blunt, I despise those who go through and follow hundreds of people a day to get follow backs, only to unfollow them the next day and repeat the vile process.
2. You are a real person. I can't tell you how many lonely, attractive women wanting to "chat" or "fuck" have followed me. I should only be so lucky! These immediately get reported for spam and will have no help from me in building a list of schmucks to exploit. I also report for spam any account whose tweets consist of unexplained links to websites with an .ru suffix.
3. You are a real person who posts things relevant to my interests. If you are a writer, I will follow you. Period. Post as many links as you like to your books, your blog posts, etc. These are the things I want to see! However, if you're just trying to shill accounting/home business/advertising services on me, look elsewhere. As no one I've ever known has said, "That dog don't hunt."

Providing you meet the above criteria, I would love to be your Twitter friend. If, for some reason, you are eligible for my Follow but I haven't followed you, let me know! Contrary to what I've written in "The Cult of Michael" Handbook ($29.99 + shipping and handling) I am not perfect. I miss things. Also, believe it or not, Twitter isn't perfect either! I know! Sometimes it decides that I shouldn't be following certain people. I might think otherwise, but it doesn't really want to give me a say in the matter, so there you go.

Article II. On Mentions and Retweets

I love it when people mention me or retweet me. It makes me all tingly inside. So if you do one of these things, do so knowing that I am grateful for your support. I will do my very best to thank you and retweet something of yours in return but it is not always possible. Sometimes, it is just a matter of me not having the time and by the time I do have the time, assuming I haven't lost track of the time, I won't remember the time you took the time to help me out. It happens. Sometimes. So, if you have been sending out a stream of tweets saying how wonderful I am only to be met with cold, disdainful silence, I apologize. I really do try and if you don't hear back from me it means nothing other than I am busy and/or lazy.

Article III. On Self-Promotion

I do a fair bit of self-promotion (get the exciting SciFi/Horror short story Sleep for only 99 cents!) but I try not to be obnoxious about it. I balance tweets about my books with tweets about books by other writers and links to useful blog posts (like this one). So, I am not one of those who will huff and click the unfollow button if you are spreading the good word about your latest masterpiece every five minutes. I have found many wonderful books via such shameless self-aggrandizement. Not that you're doing that. No, I'm sure your book tweets and humble and self-deprecating. But if they aren't, I don't mind! I love supporting Indie authors and if you follow me on Twitter, that's what I'll be doing! Get used to it. Run, jump, shout and scream about your book. I might just join in the revelry with a retweet or two. If such enthusiastic drum-beating about how great my writer friends and I are bothers you, you probably don't want to follow. But if you want to read some great books (like Sullivan's War: Book I) then I'm your man. If you want me to retweet something, let me know! Tweets are sometimes easy to miss, so send me a DM if there's something in particular you want me to share. As I said, I love supporting fellow Indie writers and if I end up reading and liking your book, watch out, because the world is going to hear about it.

Article IV. On Friendship

I have met many people on Twitter that I now consider friends. It is a great forum for self-promotion, sure, but friendship is an even greater thing than that. I am very liberal in who I will consider a friend and if you share some of my interests, there's a good chance I'll consider you one. I love joking with people and chatting about books, science fiction, classical music and nerd stuff in general. Feel free to chat me up any time!

You can Follow me on Twitter by going here:!/MichaelKRose

I look forward to engaging with you!



  1. Wait, you mean those four girls following me with *EXACTLY THE SAME PICTURE* aren't sisters but rather poorly thought out spam accounts?!

    (My favorite is the stripper/Hooters girl who needs a guy who "doesn't mind her jobs" as if she's some sort of secret booby agent.)

    You can promote me until you're blue in the face, by the way. I won't mind. ;)

    Great write up, in all seriousness. Especially to those of us just getting into using "the twitters" for this purpose.

    1. Yeah, sorry to crush your spirit, Adam. Thanks for reading!

  2. Excellent legal document. Too bad lawyers can't talk like this. We might actually like them better.